Homeschool Journey

The summer days are quickly coming to a close for most kiddos, but even quicker for my two boys, we start on Monday.  We are about to embark on a journey of homeschooling our boys.  My oldest son has been homeschooling since the middle of last year, but it has been a rocky start.  Any endeavor with a child who has a trauma history or attachment issues is always rocky, change is not something they embrace and it may take months for them to flip the switch.  I have experienced this, yet again, as A started two online classes a few weeks ago.  Complete resistance, so much resistance.  :/   The best thing to do is allow natural consequences to take place, especially when your kiddo is 11 years old, however, that is not always the route I take.   I take on the responsibility of A passing his classes and being successful, I just can't anymore.   His therapist on Tuesday was like "give it up and let him feel the weight".   So, I am waving the white flag and laying down forcing him to care and do the right thing for those classes.  If he fails, he fails.  Ouch...that is hard to write, because he has gone through so much that I want him to succeed.   But this I know, he has to want it or it will always be me pushing him.   

On other news, my sweet E starts kindergarten on Monday. I figured if I am homeschooling one, I might as well go all in.  Plus, I am taking a college class and still working with our friends that work in China.  Praying for grace, much grace.  I know there will be hard days and then days that are so much fun, we will have to adjust and keeping fine tuning our schedules, but Holy Spirit is so smart, He'll tell me what to do.  

I also have a few AMAZING women who have been and who are still on the home school journey, they all have been so incredible with encouragement, resources, tips, and I ask lots of questions to learn from them.  Thank you, ladies, you know who you are and you all are pretty great!!

P.S.  I can't believe it's been two years since my last post. Geesh! 

Days I'll never forget

There are days in life, moments, that I'll never forget.  The day I married Dave is one of them.  The days that we said, "yes" to our boys will remain forever in my memory.  I WILL never forget calling Aiden's former dad on Mother's Day weekend in 2010 and telling him that we wanted to move forward to adopt Aiden.  I WILL never forget getting a call in early November of 2010 from Ted Skiles in Taiwan telling us that he and Bev had a 3 week old little boy, our son, for us.  I cried and cried and cried.....and cried with great joy.   I couldn't dial the phone fast enough to tell Dave what God had done for our family.  Which brings me to April 19th, which happens to be my husband's birthday, on this day in 2011 I was walking through Walmart and got a call from Ted to let us know we could make travel arrangements to Taiwan to meet our son and complete our adoption process with the court.   This past weekend we celebrated my husband's birthday, Easter and of course, the glorious phone call that let us know we could get a on plane and in 23 hours hold our baby boy.   May 5 we landed in the USA with Ethan and he was ours forever.  In August, we celebrate both Aiden's official adoption (2011) and the day he came home with us (2010).   God is good, my friends, so very good! 

Stay at home Momma

For years as my husband and I prepared to have children I thought I would be superwoman.  Work full time, be super wife and mom, and many other things.  Before I get too far into this post, I want to express that I have the utmost respect for moms and dads that are both working full time jobs and raising their families.  I just had unrealistic expectations of what my life was going to look like.  There is a sacrifice whether you decide to stay home and raise your children or choose to continue to work full or part time.   I learned a few years ago that all my thoughts prior to starting our family were coming from a place of which I had no experience in.  I had no idea what was involved in raising a family, especially raising a child with physical and emotional special needs.  I have been a stay at home mom for 3 years and prior to making this change in life, I would have told you it wasn't for me.  

When Aiden came home 3 years ago Dave and I knew he needed to have someone there for him all the time, a constant connection, so we decided that it was best for me to stop working and stay home.  I had the hardest time with this.  I dreamed for so long to start our family, but in my mind I could only see us bringing home an infant or toddler through adoption.  For years I walk though the baby section of Target and imagined buying items for our little one, so it was a bit weird to be new parents to a 5 1/2 year old.   For months I struggled with this transition in my life, I didn't speak of it much to others, but I did talk to God often about it.  I'll never forget the day I was heading home and I knew Father God was speaking straight to my heart.  This transition of staying home was just as much for me as it was for Aiden and Ethan.  Holy Spirit revealed to me that for years I found my identity in being a wife, working in the ministry, or my involvement in different areas, but  3 years ago Father was shifting my world so I would only find my identity in being His daughter.  Yes, I am a daughter of the King.  A laid down lover of Jesus Christ.   My heart was right in all that I was doing, but God had to break something off, so I could see some new things.  I am not perfect, but I love the One that is.  Nothing in life satisfies me like resting in the arms of God. 

Now 3 years later, I find such joy being able to take Aiden to school everyday and pick him up.  I am so blessed to be able to spend the days with my sweet Ethan and watch him grow and experience life. Yes, there are days that I miss putting on work clothes, but I will never ever get these days back with my boys.  Ethan is only 3 once, Aiden is only 8 once and before I know they will be grown.   I am blessed to work with a ministry that is overseas, so it keeps my skill set sharp and I have that outlet  to work with folks all around the world.  Soon Dave and I hope to move our family back to China. We've had several obstacles over the last 3 years, but we are over-comers in Him.  We all need to make the best decisions for our families and it looks different for everyone.  I feel so blessed and honored to stay at home with my boys and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world..... except maybe a cruise vacation with Dave.  ;)  Kidding!!! 

Staying the course.

I just read a post I wrote last August about Aiden and how wonderful he was doing at his 2 year mark in our family.  Sadly, I wish I could say he has stayed the course and even done more healing in his little heart.  It simply is not the case.  I struggle even attempting to write about what we are going through with our sweet son.  Why? Because I am totally for adoption and I don't want my words or heart to be misunderstood.  I believe all children at any age deserve a chance to be in a family.  

My Aiden has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RADS). He has struggled for three years to bond with Dave and I.  And, if I have to be honest, we have struggled to bond with him as well.  I am not saying we don't want to or that we don't love him, I'm saying it is hard to bond with someone that keeps your completely shut out of their lives.  A child like Aiden who has had multiple placements and a ton of rejection has a no trespass sign near their heart.  

Since May our family has gone through more then we signed up for.  In August, Aiden's outburst and anger reached an all time high.  We are holding him for hours repeating how much we love him and that we are never going to leave him, as we hear lots of ugly, angry words come from him.   He is a scared little boy.  He is scared that he can't trust us to be there for him forever.   My hope is to prove Aiden wrong, to prove to him that he will always have us and we will always have him.  My hope is to create a heart to heart connection. 

Am I afraid of what could happen or is happening? No.  I truly trust God completely.  God is for Aiden and I know Jesus can heal his heart.  I know one day Aiden will be able to feel the love that Dave and I have for him and most importantly, he will be able to feel the love of Father God.

His grace is sufficient.  A week or so ago I felt like a bucket of grace had been dumped on me.   I knew I needed grace to walk through this unfamiliar territory, but hadn't prayed for it.  God is so good and He knows our very needs even before we ask.  I felt like I was drenched in grace, sweet grace.  

Be encouraged if you a going through a difficult time, with adoption or anything in life, because God is for you!  He's got this, just trust Him completely.  Rest your head on His chest and move to the rhythm of His heartbeat.  

A long road

2012 was not the year I expected.  I had many plans of outrageous fun and activities with my boys and husband. However, in November of 2011 I hurt my back during a workout. I didn't feel the full affects until the week of Christmas. I was in so much pain. Fast forward to January of last  year I found out I herniated my disc and my nerve was pinched. I spent 11 months going through therapy at 2 different times, cortisone injections, rest, and lots of medications.   So, in September I had a myomectomy surgery, this was just the cherry on top of everything else. In November, I had my first back surgery to remove the disc herniation that was pressing on my nerve.  Three weeks later I had to have the same surgery, because my disc re-herniated post op. Most likely it re-herniated either being moved after surgery or throwing up for 12 hours post op. yuck!

I'm not blogging to complain, just a simple update.  So, my recovery has been slow since my 3rd surgery in December.  On January 1st I got a spinal fluid leak. I've never heard of anything like that, but my neuro surgeons office knew what was up. Cure, bed rest for a week......no improvement.  On Friday I had a epidural blood patch which seemed to help a lot.  A spinal fluid leak gives you a headache from the pits of hell.  No joke.

Going through all of this I have had many ups and downs.  Sad because I haven't been able to be the mom I want to be.  Thankful that Ethan loves to climb, because I haven't been able to lift him.  Truth is whenever any one of us goes through awful valleys we always need to keep our focus on King Jesus. I was listening to a message on Sunday from Bill Johnson and he said, "No giant looks big in the glory".  That is so true!!!  It is always about focus.   Despite all these things, I count it all joy.  That is the position that I am taking.

I know I have a long recovery road a head of me.  I am standing for a full healing and complete recovery.  God is always for me.... And you!